If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
