she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
