am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
