i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
