You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It was confusing and full of hummus
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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