If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
