Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
