I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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