Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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