I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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