You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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