Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
