I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
