I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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