I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
