My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
is that a dick in a sweater?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
