Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
