my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
