mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I have fence marks all over my body
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
