I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
