More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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