An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
