Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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