Princesses don't give blow jobs
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
