Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i came on her dog
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
