That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You know, be my cock's hype man.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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