I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
