All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
