I bet he comes in French.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
