You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
