there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
