My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
