I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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