Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
