I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Dicks are not precious.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
