I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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