I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
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