I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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