im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
