The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
