miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
