Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize