Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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