I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
