If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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