My hair reeks of homosexuality.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
there was a trapeze. enough said
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
