i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
