if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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