This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
