I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
