My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
