I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
