I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
