Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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