Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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