I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
